Unsent – Alanis Morissette

So one of my best friends sent me and our ex-roomie from college a heads up that they are coming out with a sequel to Practical Magic. I know. It’s not an irreplaceable classic, say for example the Godfather or Shawshank Redemption, but everyone is entitled to their guilty pleasure movies, so this ranks up there for me, along with the Princess Bride and Krull. Spoiler alert – there is a scene in the movie where a little girl witnesses a woman asking for her witchcraft practicing aunts to cast a love spell on the jaded ex-married lover that broke her heart. Seeing the desperation and pain in this woman, the little girl utters to herself, “I hope I never fall in love”. Later that night, she performs the same love spell, called Amas Veritas, much to the surprise of her confused sister, who reminds her of the earlier comments about not wanting to fall in love. She replies, that’s the point, the man she dreamed up doesn’t exist, and if he doesn’t exist, she would never die of a broken heart.

I found a journal that I kept over twenty years ago. I must have wrote in it after I watched this movie, way before any guy ever broke my heart, but sadly after seeing firsthand how love destroys two people in a marriage. I wrote my own version of Amas Veritas, putting my own spin on it of course. I wrote down qualities from guys that I either crushed on, dated, or was simply friends with, highly convinced that no one person could ever be the epitome of everything I was looking for, so there was a safety in that knowledge, but also maybe a settling.

Here is a copy of my journal entry and Amas Veritas spell. Redacted of course to use numbers instead of names.

3/16/04 2:30 am

Like Number 1 – he’ll never ask me to dance. If he wants to dance with me, there will be no request for permission, just a silent pull of my hand into his arms. We’ll dance whether it is at a party or the solitude of a living room, and whether there is a perfect song playing or no music playing at all.

Like Number 2 – he’ll think I am beautiful even when I am a mess, tired, or have zero makeup on. I will be comfortable enough around him to actually fall asleep in front of him. He’ll pull me into long hugs, without wanting more.

Like Number 3 – he’ll memorize the different ways I like my coffee and make me the perfect cup and offer it to me before I even have to ask for one.

Like Number 4 – he’ll bring music to my soul, playing the perfect song when I’m happy, sad,  mad, or sleepy and it will perfectly capture or improve my mood.

Like Number 5 – He’ll have the scars of life and brokenness of growing up that make him the best kind of person. He’ll be someone who wants to protect others from feeling the darkness no one saved him from. He’ll have this unwavering faith in the good of other people.

Like Number 6 – he’ll be chivalrous, from making sure he’s on the traffic side of the street when we’re walking, moving the ketchup bottle off the table without me having to ask, or extending his hand or arm when I am feeling unsteady.

Like Number 7 – he’ll hold my hand, even when we’re old, and even when it’s freezing out and he’s cold. He’ll pull my hand into his own coat pocket so he can keep our hands warm without letting go.

Like Number 8 – he’ll say the perfect, inspired line at the precise moment I need to hear it. He’ll want to believe in God and faith, even though he struggles with it. He’ll pray over me, and kiss my forehead or cheek even if I am asleep.

Like Number 9 – he’ll make me laugh – like loud, snorting, water out your nose obnoxiously laugh. Talking to him will always be comfortable and honest, no matter what the subject is, like my soul immediately recognized his, so that familiarity already comes with a built-in trust.

Like Number 10 – he’ll have the greatest smile and body but won’t know it, because he is the best kind of handsome that isn’t conceited. His eyes will change color depending on his thoughts.

Like Number 11 – he’ll have the mind of an artist, seeing the beauty of life in all things. He’ll know what I am thinking before I say a word.

Like Number 12 – he is both silly and introspective, appreciating movies and old cartoons. He’ll be both emotionally and intellectually smart. He will be able to talk to anyone, because it comes from a genuine place and won’t need to drink to be the center of attention or have a good time. He’ll be fun, but also crave the quiet moments of life, even preferring getting so engrossed in a book over getting drunk in a bar with friends.

Looking back at it now, it was all smoke and mirrors. It was not a self-protection thing, and somewhere deep down there was this hope and belief that somewhere that person did exist. If I am being honest, I found people at different times who came really close. I married one. However, here is the problem though with Amas Veritas. It really does not matter if the perfect person actually exists, especially if you are searching with a broken soul that isn’t strong enough yet to feel complete. Having an incomplete soul clouded the perception of everything that I thought I wanted and wished for. In other words, someone could be perfect but may not necessarily be the perfect person for you.

Funny, but I discovered a song a couple of weeks ago where Alanis Morissette did something kind of similar, writing a postmortem of all the things she learned from the guys in her life. Listening to it felt oddly similar to the sentiments of my journal entry, but also left me with this sad feeling. Right now, there are just too many things I need to fix, work on and maybe atone for. The more I listen to the song though, there is a small part of me that thinks optimistically, that we are not all broken, and maybe we are lucky to have had opportunities to learn what makes happy. Maybe I will be one day be ready, and it would be nice if when I was, fate would intervene to let me know this person does exist.