Day Nine

So I know this girl. She is plagued with regret and completely lacking in confidence at times. She constantly apologizes, usually for things she really has no need to feel sorry about. It’s sad and annoying, but only because she has all the potential in the world to be awesome, if only she adjusted her outlook on life a little bit.

Maybe you have a friend like her. Someone who does not quite understand yet that the real tragedy is not in the time we “wasted” making mistakes, but in the time we spend in the post mortem…agonizing over the what-if details.

Oh, if you haven’t guessed by now, this friend I’m talking about is the who stares back at me in the mirror every morning, but on a positive note, the 2010 version of Dianne was a lot better than 2009, so I feel hopeful with the following resolutions, Dianne v.2011 is gonna be even better.

11 Resolutions for 2011

1. To steal the very wise words of a dear friend…learn to fake it til I make it.
2. Learn to play a new song every week on the guitar & play at least 5 of them in front of other people. (I started taking guitar lessons again and so the first part of this resolution should be a breeze, thanks to my awesome new teacher)
3. solo visit to another country – ___ & ___ are looking pretty good right now
4. Train myself to not look more than 4 days into the future and 24 hours into the past
5. Try something new…foodwise (because trying cheesesteaks and burritos worked out pretty good for me in 2010)
6. Upload my pictures in more timely fashion
7. Finish writing at least one of my books
8. Pay all of my bills on time
9. Promise not to do in 2011 the thing that I did at least four times in 2010. =X
10. Be a better friend, sister, daughter
11. Stop apologizing for crap decisions, and just move forward, like today’s Paramore song

~ I’m getting bored waiting round you, you’re not getting any younger,
and I won’t look back cause there’s no use, it’s time to move forward ~

Day Eight

Today is random factoid day. There’s 28…because, well…I’m 28 and it felt like a nice even number. Here goes…meaningless trivia that will in no way add anything to your life. You’re welcome 🙂

1. Some days I wish I snorted when I laughed…just cause I think it makes other people laugh harder.

2. If there’s a guy I really like, I cease using his real name when I talk about him to friends. He gets a nickname that he will never find out about.

3. I sometimes eat rice with mac and cheese. It’s a comfort thing that I justify to others by telling them I’m asian and therefore eat rice with everything.

4. I remember at least two or three dreams a night…half are violent, death-by-alligator or falling off bridge dreams, the other half are silly like not being able to find a raccoon mask or walking out of my house with no shoes on.

5. Love’s not a competition but I’m winning.

6. The most terrible thing said to me this week was “oh, your hair looks interesting today”.
The most terrible thing that someone ever said to me, ever, was that I had the worst taste in movies.

7. My life hasn’t been the same since Chinabowl closed.

8. I looove it when guys wear blue button downs with a t-shirt underneath.

9. Three things I prefer to do by myself is travel, watch movies and drive. I say drive because I sing insanely loud when I am by myself.

10. When I was in kindergarten we had to draw a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. I drew a mom and my teacher said that wasn’t a real profession. I think I still want to be a mom someday, but I’m really scared of how big of a bitch I’ll be for nine months without coffee or sushi or chocolate.

11. The only thing that makes me want to vomit besides vomit, is ketchup.

12. I take serious umbrage against two things – 1) that I suffer from a severe case of insomnia at night when I have ABSOLUTELY no trouble falling asleep at work and 2) fridge makers don’t think freezers are deserving of a light.

13. If there is a heaven, I hope it’s like Defending Your Life, where you can eat anything you want and not gain an ounce, and you can see what you were in past lives.

14. If there is a heaven, God probably lost my invitation sometime after I did this very bad thing once at church.

15. If we could see who we were in our past lives, I think I’d see a hockey player, a penguin, and maybe someone who died at a ketchup factory.

16. A cute guy escalates to hot if he can make me laugh or quote a movie.

17. An okay looking guy gets demoted in attractiveness for excessive typos or being too close of a talker.

18. I once peed in a library. Not the library bathroom…like between the stacks.

19. I once ate a 1.5lb bag of crispy m&ms in one sitting. I should be embarrassed by this factoid, but I feel pretty proud actually.

20. Each day, I grow more and more convinced that there is a ghost or two following me around.

21. One of my favorite things in the world is hearing my sister, goddaughter or my brother laugh.

22. I love watching TV, but I really, really hate reality TV…because hello? reality? That’s what I’m trying to escape from…

22. I often fake sickness, only to get actually sick a week or two later.

23. Chris Carrabba and I hugged for 13 seconds once after he signed my capo. Haven’t met a guy yet that could hug as good as him. I might be forever ruined.

24. I miss my flag football days.

25. I love having my own place for three main reasons 1) I get to control the temperature 2) I get to control the remote 3) I can eat breakfast for dinner without judgment.

26. Found out recently that I am not the only one who hates the feeling of tissues or newspaper when my hands are dry.

27. One day I will have at least three __ . (no not babies)

28. Like today’s Paramore song….For a Pessimist, I’m Pretty Optimistic

Day Seven

Truth be told, I have been suffering from a severe case of writer’s block for the last few weeks. Anyone whose suffered through kidney stones or mall holiday-induced gridlock knows there’s nothing worse than a blockage…but since words and I seem to not be friends, at the moment, I suppose the best I can do is leave you with a movie and song suggestion at least…both of which will do a much better job than me, at capturing the mood.

So if life were a movie, right now it would be the one I have been watching on repeat almost every night for the past few weeks, Alice in Wonderland – particularly the scene where we see her falling down the rabbit hole, almost endlessly. The Paramore song for the day, needs no explanation, as the lyrics are poignant enough to speak for itself and my present state of mind.

“and in the free fall I will realize I’m better off when I hit the bottom…”

Day Six

There’s this book I almost finished reading a while back which said something to the effect that the ability to change the world lies in the power of our thoughts. I remember thinking to myself, well if that’s true, it’s quite possible that the 100 lb, 4’10 wonder I see in the mirror everyday may be one of the the most powerful people in the world. Honestly, I really don’t know anyone that thinks as much as I do. Obviously, my efforts to harness this power, and use it for the greater good, up to this point have been a massive fail, so i’ll probably have to accept the fact that i’ll never get around to changing the world. But I’d settle for changing mine.

Its hard to describe, but there was a brief moment when I was a kid when I felt invincible. I would race my sister fearlessly down slopes with tucked poles and parallel skis. I babbled on to anyone and everyone without a care or insecurity in the world to wonder if i was even being interesting. I wanted to ride every roller coaster, regardless if I was tall enough to meet the minimum height requirement. I once ran up the side of the Sydney Opera House and perched myself on a ledge just because I was bored and wanted a better view of the harbour. Bottom line is that once upon a time, I didn’t give a shit. I went through life ignoring my own mortality and thinking the only opinion that matter was my own. Some days I feel like I’m getting that back, but lately its been a one step forward, two steps back kind of process. I’ve been somewhat unfocused the last few months, getting caught up in life’s distractions, but I realize now that getting back to that state of fearlessness has become my first priority. The sun is rising now, and with it, a renewed sense of hope that my world is already changing, just simply knowing that I have this something to strive towards now.

“The night is darkest just before the dawn, and I promise you the dawn is coming.” – The Dark Knight

Day Five

So I am a pretty superstitious person. (ooo…that sounds conceited, correction: pretty as in very). Avoid black cats and walking under ladders. God help the person, other than the Chinese takeout guy, that touches my fortune cookie. I extend this same irrational belief and zeal to wishes. We’re talking eyelashes, seeing a digital clock turn 11:14, making a wish before I blow out the candles on my birthday cake (oops i didn’t do that this year). Hmm, oh and every year I lose about $10 in change to fountains. A small price to pay in comparison to the last night’s ritual, when I woke up super early to watch one of the three biggest annual meteor showers, the Leonids (the Perseids are in August, next one is the Geminids in December..ahem nerd alert).

Super tired and drastically underdressed, I only stayed awake long enough to catch a glimpse of two meteors. Now counting the latest two, I’ve seen over 50 shooting stars. I know a few people who have never seen one, but I can tell you even after seeing 50, I still ooo and awe, like its the first time. Something weird happened last night though…for the life of me, I could not think of anything to wish for. I’d like to say that the reason why I did not know what to wish for was because my life is so rich and fulfilling that a wish would’ve been unnecessary, but haha that wouldn’t be the truth. Wishing on a shooting star, to me, is nothing like throwing a penny in a fountain. Those wishes have to as equally extraordinary and special as the shooting star itself. Let me clarify that the kind of things I wish for are not so much of the “I-hope-I-win-the-lottery” variety. They are more like little things I hope for my life or for myself. But last night, I guess I just choked. I guess that’s why I like today’s Paramore song. To me, it’s a reminder about dangers of indecision and not knowing what you want.

Day Four 

First off, I love strategies. Rules. Lists. The calculated order of certain certainties. Problem is, this careful, methodical way of living can backfire and build a bubble around your life. Every time I took the careful way out, I kept myself from growing into a stronger, more mature person, and it certainly did not help me become any braver. The plain and ugly truth is that my life for the first 25 years or so was kind of ordinary (boring). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. What is it that they say? For everything in life there is a season?

This week I took advantage of a friend’s suggestion to run away from home for a while, to sin city of all places. Guess what though – even in this half-assed attempt to be spontaneous, I still managed to come up with a list of to-dos – watch the water / light fountain show thing outside the Bellagio. Get a tattoo. Have some laughs with a couple of good friends. Watch a show. Drink. Come back with some memories. Sky jump off the stratosphere. I am proud to say that I did five out of the seven things on this list (with the exception being the first two items).

Now I don’t know about you, but I get vertigo walking too close to the railing on the second floor of a mall, so the idea of jumping off a building attached to a few wires seemed just a tad bit out of the realm of possibility. But I guess you just get to a point, when you get really tired of being scared ALL the time. So there I was, out on the ledge over a hundred floors up, bargaining with the guy in charge of all the safety checks to push me off, because let me tell ya – the really scary thing about jumping isn’t the fall. It’s that first step -that moment of conscious decision when you let go and step into oblivion. The falling part is easy. You scream bloody murder and gravity takes care of the rest. But that first step is all you. There’s a line in today’s Paramore song, which goes, “you can’t be too careful anymore, when all that is waiting for you won’t come any closer…you’ve got to reach a little more”. Stepping off that ledge made me feel something I’ve never felt before – the hope in uncertainty. It was a great feeling. I felt like Ethan Hawke in the movie Gattaca, when he said “it was the moment that made everything else possible”. Being careful, following rules and expectations = overrated. Knowing that you still have the ability to surprise yourself = priceless.