Let Go – Frou Frou
So, it is mother effing hot in Texas right now. My buddy that I am staying with keeps wanting to go out, knowing I only come to Houston for work, and haven’t really explored around. I am a homebody, so in an effort to keep us in the calming comfort of quiet (and air conditioning), I got him to start watching the show The Bear. It is probably one of my favorite shows at the moment. If you haven’t seen it, what the eff are you waiting for? Go. Like now. It’s on Hulu. You’re welcome.
So anyways, there is this phrase the main character Carmy uses that he got from his older brother – let it rip. I want to explain it, but I just deleted paragraphs of explanation, realizing I could never it do justice. Instead, I will share the scene where he breaks it down:
As an underwriter, and just as an overly cautious person in general, I don’t think I have ever been able to get fully behind the concept of let it rip. Recently, it has come to my attention that if I take my head of my own ass, I’m not alone, and there are a lot of people going through their own mini life crisis. Whether it is unrealized dreams, pain, or just generally feeling stuck, there are a lot of people I want to tell to “let it rip”. There is only so much you can do to try to inspire and motivate people. In the end, they have to be the ones who take those steps. I will remind them though that the hardest part is knowing what you really want and what your dreams are. Then the really, really scary part of the movie comes. Once you know what you want, you have two paths. Either, you cowardly put off making decisions that push you closer to achieving those dreams and day by day you start to forget again what it is that you wanted. OR you let it rip. Then maybe, just maybe, the amazing things that you never allowed yourself to believe you were capable of experiencing start happening. As I write this, I realize that I am the pot calling the kettle black. Today’s song, reminds me of these sentiments. Do the things you are afraid to do. I was re-reading Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist,” a few weeks ago, and was reminded when you want something, the universe has a way of conspiring in ways to help you achieve those dreams. Take advice from the Bear – let it rip.
Excuse me, too busy, you’re writing your tragedy. These mishaps you bubble wrap, when you’ve no idea what you’re like. So let go, so let go, hmm jump in. – Frou Frou
Quelqu’un m’a dit – Carla Bruni
Time is a son of a bitch. Sometimes there isn’t enough of it. Some days, you want to freeze moments in time or at least slow them down. Other days, there seems like there has been too much of it. Lately, I have been feeling more of the latter. Part of me wants to fast forward a few months from now, hoping that future me would have more of my shit together. Part of me is also hoping that the darkness of the last few days would be a distant memory for some loved ones going through some of the most messed up of things one could possibly experience in this life. I read this book once by Steve Martin, The Pleasure of My Company, where the main character talks about a coping mechanism he uses called Alternative Fixation. The concept of AF goes that if something is causing you needless worry or anxiety, think of something that stresses you out infinitely more. You might open Pandora’s box dealing with the bigger thing, but at least you stop stressing about the original thing. I have been using AF for almost 20 years now, and I can tell you it is pretty damn effective. So here we go –
So, it has been 6,057 days since I last heard my father’s voice. It was the day after New Years. He had a habit of calling and if you didn’t pick up, he would leave you this long-winded voicemail message. Then, he would call your work number and leave the same message. Call your work cell. Same crazy long message. After a while, I wouldn’t even listen to the messages. Seeing the missed call was enough reason to just call him back. Such was the case the day after New Years in ’09. We talked about what we did or didn’t do to reign in the New Year, and then he said he was sorry to hear about my recent breakup. He told me I was going to be okay. I deflected and we talked about family in Chicago. Then, we ended up fighting up something so dumb I can’t even remember what it was about, but he got frustrated and hung up on me. Two days later he had a heart attack. The next day I booked a flight to be with him, but while I was packing, I got the call he died. Four days later, I was getting ready for his memorial mass and I saw the pending voicemail message he left the week before. He wished me happy new year and brought up the breakup. As I started to rolled my eyes, annoyed that this time, I wouldn’t be able to deflect the conversation, he said these words – I just want you to be happy.
For anyone that knew my dad, you knew that towards the latter end of his life, he didn’t really believe happiness was in the cards. He believe it was more attainable to aim towards being content. The fact that this was his last message to me is so trippy. Hopefully, he is not too disappointed, since I am still figuring out what happiness to me looks like. In any case, it reminded me of a line in this French song from my favorite Joseph Gordon Levitt movie, 500 Days of Summer, that goes “I’m told that time that slips away is a bastard, that our sorrows are made into coats”. That is how time feels at the moment. It is a heavy ass freaking coat, and I cannot wait for when it is time to lay it down and enjoy lighter days. For those that want to hear and see in the original language, I included the French lyrics and English translation. Serait-ce possible alors?
I’m told our lives aren’t worth much
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand-chose
They pass away in an instant like roses fade
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
I’m told that the time that slips away is a bastard
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
That our sorrows are made into coats
Que de nos chagrins, il s’en fait des manteaux
Yet someone told me that you still loved me
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
It was someone who told me that you still loved me
C’est quelqu’un qui m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
Would it be possible then?
Serait-ce possible alors?
They tell me that destiny doesn’t care about us
On me dit que le destin se moque bien de nous
That he gives us nothing and promises us everything
Qu’il ne nous donne rien et qu’il nous promet tout
It seems that happiness is within reach
Paraît que le bonheur est à portée de main
So we reach out and find ourselves crazy
Alors, on tend la main et on se retrouve fou
Yet someone told me that you still loved me
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
It was someone who told me that you still loved me
C’est quelqu’un qui m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
Would it be possible then?
Serait-ce possible alors?
Would it be possible then?
Serait-ce possible alors?
But who told me that you still loved me?
Mais qui est-ce qui m’a dit que toujours, tu m’aimais?
I don’t remember, it was late at night
Je ne me souviens plus, c’était tard dans la nuit
I still hear the voice, but I no longer see the features
J’entends encore la voix, mais je ne vois plus les traits
He loves you, it’s secret, don’t tell him I told you
Il vous aime, c’est secret, lui dites pas que je vous l’ai dit
See, someone told me you still loved me
Tu vois, quelqu’un m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
Was someone really telling me that you still loved me
Me l’a-t-on vraiment dit que tu m’aimais encore
Would it be possible then?
Serait-ce possible alors?
I’m told our lives aren’t worth much
On me dit que nos vies ne valent pas grand-chose
They pass away in an instant like roses fade
Elles passent en un instant comme fanent les roses
I’m told that the time that slips away is a bastard
On me dit que le temps qui glisse est un salaud
That our sadnesses are made into coats
Que de nos tristesses, il s’en fait des manteaux
Yet someone told me that you still loved me
Pourtant quelqu’un m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
It was someone who told me that you still loved me
C’est quelqu’un qui m’a dit que tu m’aimais encore
Would it be possible then?
Serait-ce possible alors?
Why Try to Change Me Now – Fiona Apple
So, this is how my dysfunctional brain operates. A few weeks ago, I took the day off from work to go to the beach. I live 15-20 mins away, but I haven’t been there in 4 years? The plan was no kids, just me, sipping a cup of coffee, toes in the sand, movie scores blasting in my ear buds, finishing up a book or two, or coloring in my adult coloring book, because yes, I have one of those. This is how the day actually went. Somehow, I got sidetracked by work (I know I am one of those terrible people that can’t unplug). After putting out a few fires, I realized I should probably eat because I couldn’t remember if I ate dinner the night before. Made the perfect breakfast – egg whites, spinach, and cheddar with 4 slices of thinly cut spam and rice on the side. Then I decided to stop procrastinating and put the final touches on the coffee cup painting I had been working on for the past two weeks. With the morning slowly getting away from me, I finally got in my car, but decided the sticky film created by my nine- and four-year-old had reached defcon 2, so I made another slight detour to get my car washed/vacuumed. In retrospect, this would have been a pretty, terrible decision if I actually followed through, considering all the sand I would have trekked back from Bradley. Anyways, so I’m halfway to the carwash place, and see Bo.The.Tattoo.Guy’s parlor. I have passed his place for years since its on my way to my mother’s apartment, but about a month ago I called, had a nice chat with Bo, and started following him on IG. So I decided to go to the beach, instead I ended up getting a tattoo. Pretty successful day off.
I did none of the things I actually set out to do that day, but I did cross off something that has been on my bucket list for over 20 years. My mom threatened us back in college that we ever did, she would stop talking to us. There’s a funny story there about the time my sister tricked her with some fake henna tramp stamp she got in Mexico, but I will save that for another post when I find the picture I took of actual steam coming out of her ears. Turns out parents can be quite reasonable when they know you are going through a midlife crisis. This did, however, get me thinking about how over the years I have desperately wanted to change and be someone else. Someone lighter. Funnier. Prettier. Smarter…Someone definitely less scatterbrain. Turns out I had it all wrong. It is not about being someone different that was going to make me happy. It is about resolving to giving up on being someone different and instead being comfortable in one’s own skin. Choosing yourself and really knowing who you are.
“I’ve got some habits even I can’t explain. I go to the corner, I end up in Spain. Why try to change me now?” – Fiona Apple (Sorry Frank…Fiona’s version is so good)
If My Life Had a Soundtrack 