Anti-Hero – Taylor Swift
I was talking to a friend on Saturday, and it turns out we both think that the movie Joe Versus the Volcano is one of the most underrated movies. Some spoiler alerts – so there is an awesome scene for anyone who has ever worked in an office under terrible, soul-sucking, fluorescent lights. There is another scene where Tom Hanks’ character plays the ukulele, which was probably just one of the handful of reasons I wanted to learn to play. Then, there is also this great scene where he asks the limo driver where he should go shopping for clothes, to which the driver takes umbrage, and pulls over the limo. Proceeds to explain how clothes make the man, and how he can’t tell him what clothes to buy, because that would be like him telling Joe who he is, and it has taken the limo driver his whole life just to find out who he was, and he’s tired.
So I’m tired too, but I do think I am closer than I have ever been to really knowing who I am. Problem is, I kind of suck. What’s that line from another great movie? “You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” Turns out I am not a good person. At least I haven’t been for the past month? Year? Years? The good news is that those who are self-aware always have the chance to turn things around, but still. It is never an easy day when you have to take stock of your life and realize all the wrong choices you have made along the way that have transformed you into the villain of your own story. That was how I woke up this weekend, suddenly recognizing that I have been following all the wrong signs and lost my sense of truth north. The past year has felt like a series of one-step forwards, and ten steps back. It is seriously getting old. Anyways, I was talking to someone else earlier today about how we are both in crisis mode, and she reminded me that one of the things we should be grateful for is the support system we have. When we lose sight of ourselves, true friends and family are sometimes the mirrors we need, reminding us of the best versions of ourselves we could be. Thank God I have those people, but man, it must really be exhausting for them sometimes to be in my corner and root for me as I repeat the same mistakes.
“It’s me, hi. I’m the problem, it’s me. At tea time, everybody agrees. I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.”
Let Go – Frou Frou
So, it is mother effing hot in Texas right now. My buddy that I am staying with keeps wanting to go out, knowing I only come to Houston for work, and haven’t really explored around. I am a homebody, so in an effort to keep us in the calming comfort of quiet (and air conditioning), I got him to start watching the show The Bear. It is probably one of my favorite shows at the moment. If you haven’t seen it, what the eff are you waiting for? Go. Like now. It’s on Hulu. You’re welcome.
So anyways, there is this phrase the main character Carmy uses that he got from his older brother – let it rip. I want to explain it, but I just deleted paragraphs of explanation, realizing I could never it do justice. Instead, I will share the scene where he breaks it down:
As an underwriter, and just as an overly cautious person in general, I don’t think I have ever been able to get fully behind the concept of let it rip. Recently, it has come to my attention that if I take my head of my own ass, I’m not alone, and there are a lot of people going through their own mini life crisis. Whether it is unrealized dreams, pain, or just generally feeling stuck, there are a lot of people I want to tell to “let it rip”. There is only so much you can do to try to inspire and motivate people. In the end, they have to be the ones who take those steps. I will remind them though that the hardest part is knowing what you really want and what your dreams are. Then the really, really scary part of the movie comes. Once you know what you want, you have two paths. Either, you cowardly put off making decisions that push you closer to achieving those dreams and day by day you start to forget again what it is that you wanted. OR you let it rip. Then maybe, just maybe, the amazing things that you never allowed yourself to believe you were capable of experiencing start happening. As I write this, I realize that I am the pot calling the kettle black. Today’s song, reminds me of these sentiments. Do the things you are afraid to do. I was re-reading Paulo Coelho’s “The Alchemist,” a few weeks ago, and was reminded when you want something, the universe has a way of conspiring in ways to help you achieve those dreams. Take advice from the Bear – let it rip.
Excuse me, too busy, you’re writing your tragedy. These mishaps you bubble wrap, when you’ve no idea what you’re like. So let go, so let go, hmm jump in. – Frou Frou
Why Try to Change Me Now – Fiona Apple
So, this is how my dysfunctional brain operates. A few weeks ago, I took the day off from work to go to the beach. I live 15-20 mins away, but I haven’t been there in 4 years? The plan was no kids, just me, sipping a cup of coffee, toes in the sand, movie scores blasting in my ear buds, finishing up a book or two, or coloring in my adult coloring book, because yes, I have one of those. This is how the day actually went. Somehow, I got sidetracked by work (I know I am one of those terrible people that can’t unplug). After putting out a few fires, I realized I should probably eat because I couldn’t remember if I ate dinner the night before. Made the perfect breakfast – egg whites, spinach, and cheddar with 4 slices of thinly cut spam and rice on the side. Then I decided to stop procrastinating and put the final touches on the coffee cup painting I had been working on for the past two weeks. With the morning slowly getting away from me, I finally got in my car, but decided the sticky film created by my nine- and four-year-old had reached defcon 2, so I made another slight detour to get my car washed/vacuumed. In retrospect, this would have been a pretty, terrible decision if I actually followed through, considering all the sand I would have trekked back from Bradley. Anyways, so I’m halfway to the carwash place, and see Bo.The.Tattoo.Guy’s parlor. I have passed his place for years since its on my way to my mother’s apartment, but about a month ago I called, had a nice chat with Bo, and started following him on IG. So I decided to go to the beach, instead I ended up getting a tattoo. Pretty successful day off.
I did none of the things I actually set out to do that day, but I did cross off something that has been on my bucket list for over 20 years. My mom threatened us back in college that we ever did, she would stop talking to us. There’s a funny story there about the time my sister tricked her with some fake henna tramp stamp she got in Mexico, but I will save that for another post when I find the picture I took of actual steam coming out of her ears. Turns out parents can be quite reasonable when they know you are going through a midlife crisis. This did, however, get me thinking about how over the years I have desperately wanted to change and be someone else. Someone lighter. Funnier. Prettier. Smarter…Someone definitely less scatterbrain. Turns out I had it all wrong. It is not about being someone different that was going to make me happy. It is about resolving to giving up on being someone different and instead being comfortable in one’s own skin. Choosing yourself and really knowing who you are.
“I’ve got some habits even I can’t explain. I go to the corner, I end up in Spain. Why try to change me now?” – Fiona Apple (Sorry Frank…Fiona’s version is so good)
If My Life Had a Soundtrack 