Why Try to Change Me Now – Fiona Apple
So, this is how my dysfunctional brain operates. A few weeks ago, I took the day off from work to go to the beach. I live 15-20 mins away, but I haven’t been there in 4 years? The plan was no kids, just me, sipping a cup of coffee, toes in the sand, movie scores blasting in my ear buds, finishing up a book or two, or coloring in my adult coloring book, because yes, I have one of those. This is how the day actually went. Somehow, I got sidetracked by work (I know I am one of those terrible people that can’t unplug). After putting out a few fires, I realized I should probably eat because I couldn’t remember if I ate dinner the night before. Made the perfect breakfast – egg whites, spinach, and cheddar with 4 slices of thinly cut spam and rice on the side. Then I decided to stop procrastinating and put the final touches on the coffee cup painting I had been working on for the past two weeks. With the morning slowly getting away from me, I finally got in my car, but decided the sticky film created by my nine- and four-year-old had reached defcon 2, so I made another slight detour to get my car washed/vacuumed. In retrospect, this would have been a pretty, terrible decision if I actually followed through, considering all the sand I would have trekked back from Bradley. Anyways, so I’m halfway to the carwash place, and see Bo.The.Tattoo.Guy’s parlor. I have passed his place for years since its on my way to my mother’s apartment, but about a month ago I called, had a nice chat with Bo, and started following him on IG. So I decided to go to the beach, instead I ended up getting a tattoo. Pretty successful day off.
I did none of the things I actually set out to do that day, but I did cross off something that has been on my bucket list for over 20 years. My mom threatened us back in college that we ever did, she would stop talking to us. There’s a funny story there about the time my sister tricked her with some fake henna tramp stamp she got in Mexico, but I will save that for another post when I find the picture I took of actual steam coming out of her ears. Turns out parents can be quite reasonable when they know you are going through a midlife crisis. This did, however, get me thinking about how over the years I have desperately wanted to change and be someone else. Someone lighter. Funnier. Prettier. Smarter…Someone definitely less scatterbrain. Turns out I had it all wrong. It is not about being someone different that was going to make me happy. It is about resolving to giving up on being someone different and instead being comfortable in one’s own skin. Choosing yourself and really knowing who you are.
“I’ve got some habits even I can’t explain. I go to the corner, I end up in Spain. Why try to change me now?” – Fiona Apple (Sorry Frank…Fiona’s version is so good)
If My Life Had a Soundtrack 